Questions to ask after a fight

Once the heat has gone out of an argument, the useful question is what actually happened for each of you. These help you separate what happened from what it meant, find the parts you already agree on and stop for the night without pretending it is fixed. They are not for the middle of a fight.

Wait until you are both calm, then take turns: one answers, the other only listens. It is fine to stop after two questions.

1. What’s the first thing you want me to understand about what happened?
2. What do we agree on so far, and what are we still stuck on?
3. Are we disagreeing about what happened, what it meant, or what should happen next?
4. Which part of the conversation do you remember differently from me?
5. What would have been a better way for me to ask for what I needed?
6. What did you take my silence to mean?
7. Was there something you expected me to know that you hadn’t told me?
8. What would make it possible to stop for tonight without pretending everything is fixed?
9. What part of your concern do you still stand by, even if you’d express it differently?
10. What might make this agreement hard to keep even if we both mean it right now?
11. What do we disagree about that you've never fully said out loud?
12. What do you mean by saying 'Do whatever you like'?
13. Which compromise between us could use another look?